life...

...is a rollercoaster. but you gotta love it. always going straight and flat... what fun is it in that?!

my man made my day today. it's just stronger than us, our love, how sweet!

obviously...

...and unfortunately a friend of mine decided to "clean" her friend's list. I know that I haven't been much in touch lately, but you all know, that I haven't been with anybody. I've been quite egoistic (sorry y'all) trying to figure out myself. unfortunately, this friend, that I do miss, decided that we're not friends. sad. cause real friends are there, always and forever, no matter what (almost).

well M, I hope you have your good reasons. It would be nice if you could tell me about them though... cause really, I'm clueless to why.

thoughts by a friend

"What if loneliness was a feeling of impatience, sent by friends yet to meet, urging you to get involved, so that lives serendipities could bring you together. What if illness was just the signal a healthy body sent to urge clarification of your thoughts/dreams. What if feelings of uncertainty were only reminders that you have options and that there is no hurry. What if mistakes only happened when life was about to get better than it's been."

if...

if someone knows you better than you do, or at least knows how you feel without having to tell them... bringing you to reality, questioning your dreams to try to make them reality, or try to make sense of your imagination. then you can question yourself either, how much do you know yourself, or is this real love? is this it???

summer 2010

my summer has been interesting. it felt sooo long, yet so short.

it's been hell, and then again not.

i've been in sweden, it's been... well hm... interesting.

i had a life before coming here. not a normal life, but my reality. for a "normal" person with a "normal job", it probably does not seem like a "real life". so different and far away from the everyday life to them. this summer I've been living "the normal person, normal job, real life".

didn't like it at all in the beginning. now after almost 2,5 months, I got into it. with a little help from my friends... so thank you! and all those wonderful, fantastic, good energy people that I've the pleasure to meet! amazing. i needed this. yet... im lost. it hurts. im sad. and then sometimes Im really happy, and then I feel a bit guilty just because I have those moment of pure joy. im sure you want me to be happy though...

tomorrow morning, actually more in like 5 hours, im leaving, to go back to my "old" life...

not sure what to think about that... i'm scared, nervous, I don't want it to be like it used to be... I've became a little more "swedenalized"

i do miss rome though and all the people I love there. it's gonna be really nice to get some heat and sun too!

i just don't want and need to be confused anymore. the time is now...

i also discovered something today, that made me really sad. I just hope that it was only a mistake...otherwise a piece of my heart will break.

crying...

... like a baby right now. I was supposed to feel good tonight. not working. parents out on a concert. the house to myself. watching a movie, a romantic comedy called ps I love you. and what is it about? Love of course. only that the main character dies. in a brain tumor. great! and that is why Im now crying like a baby. f***k. it's not easy.... i miss you more than I ever thought I would. and now ur probably smiling up there, bc as your sister said at your funeral, the more we cried to movies the more you smiled... so here's to you ;)

had to talk to you today...

but you aren't there. no where to be heard. from time to time I watch your beautiful pic on fb, and I see how much ppl miss you and love you. like me.

it's not ok that ur gone. i just hope that you're having a good time up there. if anybody knows how to have a good time though, it's u!
miss u and love u J.

i know how the hamster feel like

I swear I do, I know how the hamster must be feeling, so stressed running around on its wheel. I know cause Ive been feeling like that. lately I've been kind of moody. If you've been around me you've probably noticed... my parents asked me everyday, "what is your problem?" i wasn't sure myself. was it a culture shock, or what?
now I finally realized what it is. it's them, my parents!!!
after having been living away from home since I was 18 and only have been visiting from time to time maximum 2 weeks at a time, I'm not used to living with them anymore. and they with me. well, it's nothing but normal, after all I'm getting close to 30.
but since yesterday morning i have their house to myself! and it's great! I'm loving it! I love to be alone!
having them around naggin all the time, do this, do that, think about this, think about that, could you please, be so kind, no not there-there...well you get the point, we've all been kids. EXACTLY, KIDS! it's not normal to be treated like that as an adult. really it's not. i guess they still think I'm 3 though..... well I just have to remind them when they'll get back to add another 0 to that number! and then, maybe then, we can live peacefully again... instead of feeling like a freakin hamster!

getting scary

my life is getting scary now. i got my paycheck the other day. always good. nice to have my own money, but with it comes real life. real bills to pay, real job to go to, everyday. you gotta do everyday things that everybody does more or less. it's just that I haven't been living a *normal* life in a long time. Im really scared of everyday life. habits. Im scared im gonna get bored. stuck. but then again... why would I? i need stability. can't live like a gypsy no more.

i've changed

and Im still changing...
a lot of things have happened lately. maybe too many. I've never been more confused than I am right now. Im currently in Sweden, trying to get "swedenalized", it's not as easy as one might think. I haven't lived here for so long. I look swedish, I speak swedish (somewhat hehe) and some parts of me are swedish, others are not. Im very italian.
it's quite confusing when people expect you to act in one way, and you act in another.
they look at you like "who does she think she is?" all I can say is: please, bare with me, be patient. i'm trying, and let me tell you, it's not easy. sometimes it gets sooo frustrating that I just wanna scream, run away and hide and cry. i'm having a culture shock in my own country.

sunny day

finally the sun came out today.
you can feel it in the air. it has some kind of smell. it burns on your skin. people smile, and it makes you feel better.

two weeks has gone by. you're still missed, will always be. the pain is still there, but not as much. You don't suffer anymore, it's comforting to know. it's still really not fair though. you passing away made me think more about my life. egoist, you would have said smiling. thank you I say. for everything you ever did. i don't cry, I smile over the nice memories, what was.
and i know that you're up there, around here and keep an eye on us, sometimes playing your tricks.

I've seriously changed. no time to waste, time to act, to move forward.
please keep me going. I need your support. as you always would give me.

Just giving-for J

http://www.justgiving.com/JasonCrockett

In loving memory of Jason

This is from his family. Even if you didn't know him, if you want to support cancer research, below is a link.

Thank you for your support and love during the past few days, please find below more information and details of the funeral.

Jason passed away on Wednesday 12th May 2010, at home after an 18 month battle with cancer, during which he showed tremendous courage and determination. The resolute and brave manner he displayed throughout his struggle serves as an example to those he leaves behind to never lose hope in the face of adversity.

Jason was a unique individual, special to all who knew him, always
generous, warm, loving and kind. His cheeky grin and outrageous sense of humour will be missed by us all, and we will cherish our memories with him forever.

In accordance with Jason’s wishes,the occasion is to be a colourful and joyful celebration of his life.

Donations to Barts and The London Cancer Care Appeal:
www.justgiving.com/JasonCrockett

I miss you everyday! I keep seeing you around though, thanks for watching over us J. Ps. please watch over your ma and princess zarina more than ever....they need your love!

november rain in may

it's raining, again! it's also really cold, and that's weird cause now I'm back in Rome, and it's supposed to be warm now, we're supposed to be at the beach. instead Im closed inside at home, still with the down covers and the heaters on. the latter I wish I had skipped maybe, cause I just woke up and the sweat was running down my face and neck...however I do believe that I have the fever as well.

I haven't written in awhile, as you may or may not have noticed, for obvious reasons, all depending on if you're reading this blog or not.
I didn't write, because I felt that I had nothing to write about. I'm a bit desperate. Actually a lot so. I need to find myself a job.
A satisfying job, where I can use my skills and my creativity (that is still there, I promise!)
My man is worried about me. He doesn't want me to help him at the club anymore either, cause when I do, Im there until five, and there are some days, that my body won't let me get out of bed. I have no strength anymore. He thinks that I'm depressed. I might be, but I know I'm not. I'm just tired of the situation. a situation not entirely only depending on me. also on the f-ing crisis, and italian politics.
I just love my man so much. He has such a great patience with me. He really does. I'm NOT easy to live with, well actually I am, if I would only have a job. I'm actually very easy to live with. I clean, I cook (not as much as I want to due to the kitchen situation) and and and... I have many other great skills!!

Thursday (after a long wednesday night) I got a message from my best friend Z, she wrote in the message that her "older brother J passed away in his sleep last night." i was home alone, starring at the message. reading it over and over again.
then i put down the phone hoping that when I took it back up again, the message wouldn't be there. that it wouldn't be true.
the message was still there. I wanted to answer her right away, I couldn't. i was crying so much that my sight was blurry.
He had cancer. He got rid of it once. then the bastard cancer came back.
I remember when I over a year ago was in Sweden, chatting to him, and he was down because of his illness, he said some stupid comment that it didn't matter what he did, because "who knew for how long he would live." I remember I got so angry with him, that my mother was wondering who I was talking to on the computer. I typed back that he shouldn't think like that, that I refused to have him be down like that. that he had to do something. i told him to write a blog about it. he asked me what to write about. I said, write about anything you want to, it's your blog! write about the stupid cancer or your anger, then you get rid of it, but please don't give up! he started the blog, and sent the link over to me. I was so happy! Then he didn't write anymore, but he didn't give up!
My memories of Jason are all filled with smiles. He was great! Splendid! Actually there are not enough words to describe him. I wish I could, maybe one day I will. Now it hurts too much to know that he won't be reading my words anymore, or edit my text, like he so often did when I was at uni.
I didn't get out of bed for two days, didn't eat, I've been crying, I've been angry and smiling about our good memories and now....now I wanted to write about him, but I can't, I don't want to except that he is gone. Even though he isn't. I've seen him around, I know he's not suffering anymore, and I know that he won't leave us alone. He will be here looking after us.
RIP sweet sweet J.

i'll try and do what I told you to do last year. I'm going to start to blog again. Also cause today i was watching a movie, julia&julie, and finally i got some of my creativity back. and slowly slowly my will to get myself out of my situation. it will be better, and, i know J is looking down on me smiling.

things happen...

that you can't always control. like now. Im staying in Sweden, longer than I thought. I got a phone call from my mommie on Friday. Grandpa was in the hospital. I was about to pay for lunch when she called, didn't understand anything after that, the world was spinning, I sat down and my friend was like, anna are you ok? you are all white. I told him, and he wanted to take me to the hospital but I didn't want to understand it so I continued our lunch. then my mother called again and told me we had to go to the hospital. it was really hard to see him there, but he was actually doing better. but as we were sitting there he got worse and they took him away for an immediate surgery. thank god that now he is doing much better and might even be able to go home tomorrow. only god knows for how long. my dear granny!

i've been thinking a lot while being in Sweden, and I've been talking to my man and we have decided that maybe it's better for me to stay here for a while, to find a job and make some money. I already have a couple of interviews lined up, so let's hope this time it will work out. the only problem is that I would have to live with my parents again... and I have a hard time seeing that happening... or at my brother's and sister in law's downtown, but they have a baby, I love him a lot, but waking up during the night...hm... don't know if im ready yet.
we'll see.....
I do miss rome though, after all it's my home. I have my life there. well...i have my life here in Sweden too, but my home is where my heart is. and right now, it is in rome.

ooo im losing sight...

i'm an outcast! ;)

maybe it's time

for me to take some serious decisions. im in sweden now. it's amazing. everything works, it's modern and it feels somewhat like Im in the future, compared to italy.

after having lived in california for a year, I kinda got used to the "comfortable" lifestyle again. then back to italy, where the gap is huge. living in italy, rome especially, is really hard. so much harder than one might think. especially if you're a foreigner, and don't have your parents or family around to help you economically (like all the italians have). it's expensive to live... a 60m3 apartment costs around 1500 euros. yesterday I slept over at my bestfriend's and her boyfriend's apartment downtown gothenburg, a 100 m3 apartment for 600 euros!!! BIG difference. i do agree. rome is eternal. it's the most beautiful city in the world. unfortunately I cannot live out of beauty, I need money. being a housewife means that you don't have money. you have your mans money. it's not the same. they're not mine. and it makes me feel useless.

in rome I've been offered some jobs, like you know, here in gothenburg I've been offered jobs too, immediately at a manager level, cause that's what I did in Cali. In italy it's unlikely that that would happen. right now im very confused. as it is now, i don't feel well in rome, i need to move along, develop. my man is there. i don't wanna leave him behind again. i just don't. i love him too much. but im swedish orginally, i've always been working and now when Im not. it doesn't feel good. it's not me. my man knows it too. he saw it. he was the one telling me to go to Sweden for a while. now when Im here, i know I needed it more than ever. it's nice to be home with family and friends. it's also a bit difficult. im not swedish swedish anymore, Im more italian swedish. i know and love my family but i haven't lived with them for more than 8 years. always had a long distance relationship with them, so of course it's different when Im here, we know each other, but not as my man knows me. every morning I wake up here in sweden and I wonder where I am now. something's missing. it is him.

RIP

so many things on my mind lately.

im in sweden, needed some new air to focus. it's nice to be home, im staying with my parents, and am just relaxing and hanging out.

first day I got home though i found out that a woman that always comes to our club had a bad scooter accident on Friday. after leaving our club. I even said goodbye to her. Sweet girl. Now in the hospital. i wish her all the best and hope that she'll get better.

today I found out that another friend had a scooter accident yesterday. she's now with the angels. RIP V.

it puts your life in focus, your choices. just live your life now and know that it's precious.

too tired to write

i am.. but Im gonna try anyhow.

yesterday i had a fantastic day!!! and a lot of fun =)

i went to the gym, worked out hard and I was concentrated. stayed two hours but during the day, so the pick-up show hadn't started yet. well so I thought. I was standing there lifting weights when a personal trainer approached me. I took out on of the earphones (since I was listening to music) to see what he wanted. to give me a tip of the day or something I thought. but no, he presented himself, and then the super question of the day "so what are you doing here?" what could I possibly answer? what was I doing in a gym? working out! he was like, "oh yeay hm that's right" and I was still standing with the weight in my hand, and he said, "why do you stand with the weight?" once again i answered, because im working out. and he continued to talk so I had to tell him. Im sorry but Im really trying to work out and I need to hurry up. he appoligized and left me. ahahahaha he gave me a laugh though.

then the car key broke, thank god my dear sweet sweet man was out on the moto he passed by to see if he could help me, but then still it didn't work so the sweet man of mine went back home to get the other key, and then back to me again!!!

that's amore people!

then I went to dinner with my four best friends, and every body was fit for fight so we had the best dinner ever. laughed a lot!

then night out with some other friends, and then back to the club and home.

today I've been tanning on the terrace and tomorrow I have a photo shoot in fact, i gotta get my beauty sleep now, cause we're gonna be photographed around in the center of rome. with all the tourist... mamma mia, what an embarrassment. in fact i do believe there will be champagne on the set. ;)

girly night

i decided to stay in tonight. didn't feel like going to the club. then i wanted to. the dj was willing to pick me up (since I'm still without a car) but then I decided to leave my man alone. ehehe

"too much love will kill you."

so i stayed in, did my manicure, pedicure and facial and was on internet. was a bit down. after my talking to mommy today i felt a bit family sick. wanted to see them. the baby was talking in the background and then i talked to my other niece and nephew. when my nephew asked me to go visit them, my heart melted. ok, yeah he is 17 so he's more or less like a brother, and we are really close. I miss him. them. a lot. I think i might go now when I have nothing to do... for two weeks, at least. to catch up some missing time. and to be spoiled ehehe.

Im watching italian tv. the only thing of quality is chiambretti night. he's awesome. intelligent and funny. le iene is another show, worth watching. it's just this thing with the girls on italian tv. it's more like strippers. if you are italian or in italy and have watched le strisce delle notizie they have two girls, a blonde and a brown haired girl. what they do there, i never really got. they dance, in mini outfits and make more or less only fools out of themselves. the best part is though, that once their contracts are over, most part of them are dating the soccer players (probably because they're the only stupid ones giggling along) is that they'll get huge contracts, movie, model etc. yes, they are pretty. but do they have to dance and just look stupid? hm...really italian tv sucks!

anyway chiambretti is still on... i better not miss it.

aperitivo

yesterday I went to the gym. a bit angry over my situation, so the best place to go is of course the gym! I went there, and this one woman, typical italian, she always tries to ignore me. I never really understood this concept, but obviously she feels intimidated by me for some reason. Before I would just wait for my turn and stand there and smile until someone helped me, but after living in Italy so long, I too, have adopted this "concept." So when she tried to help someone else, who had arrived after me, I interrupted and said it's actually my turn so would you mind helping me. hahaha I would pay to see her face again. Biaaaatch!

anyway I went into the locker room only to realize that I had forgotten my running shoes at home. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. anyhow I decided to at least do something so I spent an hour lifting weights. then got back home and got ready to go out with my girlfriends. Since I've only been back a month in Italy and since I've spent most of this month at the club, I haven't been out nor met people, other then the people who came to the club.

So arriving at the place, which was really crowded... I couldn't take one step without meeting a friend, which was really nice of course. but after an hour had past without me being actually able to reach my friends who I went there to meet, it got somewhat frustrating. my friends then was like "anna your worse than a celebrity." i do have to admit, that it was a bit too much of attention, even for me.

today at lunch I had an other interview, at a place I've actually worked before, and liked, but this time for another position. next week they'll send me a proposal, and then we'll see!

i just got off the phone with my mom and niece and nephew. it's really nice to talk to them. in fact now they're preparing easter and Im a bit upset that I can't go. haven't seen them for over a year. in may Ill go though. foh sha.

trying hard...

i really am trying hard. however, my man is right, im not trying my best.

i have a bad day today. in fact Im going to the gym for a couple of hours to change that energy.

and then tomorrow Im gonna change my life.

Im trying to get one interview per day now. which is good. until I find the right job for me. and they find me to be the right one for them. makes sense no?

just don't want to be dependent anymore. i've had it. not me. time to make some money people!

btw, I have to say that I do like the beat to rihanna's rude boy. the funny thing is though, that here in Italy most of the people don't get what it's saying. at all. if they did, it would have not been played on the radio, with the pope around and all. ahaha i just find it hilarious!

who knows? maybe the pope goes around and sings along too?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hlKKWPKFi0

detox

is what a need. I've always enjoyed the nightlife, but living it EVERY NIGHT is not life. it's hell.

today I woke up "early" at 9.30, and I felt like a zoombie. at lunch I had an interview, and the last question is of course the one that I always have dread, about how much I want in salary.

now, this was for a job in rome, where the average salary is around 900 euros (i know it's ridiculous, but that's life here in italy), so obviously I had to have that in consideration and I said that absolutely minimum I could go was 1200 euros (which is still really really low). dunno how it will go. we'll see. =)

If I would be working for money, I would have taken the marketing manager position in LA (with a slight different salary of between 5000-7000 dollars) however I choose love over money, like so many people do. thank god my man is soooo wonderful then!

after the interview I took off to explore my old loved rome by day again. still like a zoombie (cause I fell asleep at 4.30 and kept waking up outta fear of not hearing the alarm and wake up for the interview, so you can only immagine how I looked today ahahaha)

I met up with my darling G and we had lunch and then we went to my old neighbourhood which is one of the 7 hills of rome-gianicolo! it's just lovely up there. of course i ran into people I know (a habit I inhereted from my daddy I believe). Ironicly one of them had just gotten back from LA and told me about it, good times, good memories!

after a couple of hours with G in the sun I had to go back home before the traffic started. I had forgotten about the roman traffic. it' s absolutely nuts! and you cannot be as tired as I was today cause then you'll be sure to cause some trouble, just like I did. I almost ran into the car in front of me who decided to break all of a sudden. I'm more used to the californian driving now, in fact I stop at the stop signs for 3 seconds and already have a line of cars honking the horn behind me. at red lights I turn right etc. well gimme a week and I'm back to the normal roman driving, even though I might not like it. people are so rude! I almost got into a fight with this woman who busted my balls behind me. well maybe she was just jeolous that Im a natural blonde and she wasn't. hahahaha. in stressful moments you'll always have to keep calm and see the positive side of it. otherwise....you'll miss the beauty of life!

sunny sunny sunny

I had an amazing day yesterday and today!

I've became gym addictive, and it feels great!

when I was in Cali in february I went to a couple of business meetings and mixers and I met a couple of fantastic people, and then many more that I probably never will meet again, nor do business with, they were so to called "filling." However, one guy gave me a book. A fantastic book. Yet I didn't finish it (of course not, c'mon it's not like I am a housewife or something ;)

but from what I've read so far, I've learned a lot. One thing, that everybody tells us, and that of course we know already, is to always be positive, and think greatly of yourself. Easy said, hard done. But lately, from not seeing the daylight, and always always (even if I'll love him 'til death do us part) I've been seeing my man 24/7 and it's not healthy. I lost all my creativity. so last week we told each other stop! and since then I'm slowly getting back to myself. I'm going to the gym and Im there at least 2-3 hrs per day (i have a lot to work on hehe)

and then yesterday I went to a nice dinner party at one of rome's fantastic terraces, with the new friends I've made. fantastic people and fantastic energy! and because of all of this and the sun today, i feel great again!

another thing too: I woke up yesterday determined to find a job and to make no more excuses, so I went online, applied for a job, and three hours later they called me for an interview. so once again, wish me luck!

absolutely nothing

today Ive done absolutely nothing. woke up late cause my dear man had to sleep so we didnt put the alarm, and of course we woke up at 4. PM!!!! mamma mia! i can't take it anymore. im still on cali time but living in rome. crazy. i wanted to go to the gym but I felt disgusting and had to take a shower. he started to laugh and said that only I take a shower before going to the gym, everybody else takes the shower after. well of course, Ill do that too! then i got dressed in my gym clothes and then I got hungry and had to eat. then i got tired and had to make a coffee. and then... and then the time had already flown away and it was 6.30 pm!!!! and it's too late. cause after 6.30 the gym gets full and instead of a gym it turns into a place where the girls wear fully make up and the guys go around and hit on them. so obviously, not the right time to go! in fact my man was like, " but where do you think you are going? to the gym at this time?" ahahahahahaahaha

so today, once again, another day when I've done absolutely nothing. and no, it's not nice! I'm soooo bored. I need to do something. pretty pretty please I want a job! this being a house wife... not my style at all.

In fact I said to him, at least im gonna go to Ikea to buy us new towels, and he started to laugh and dragged me back to bed. so no, not even towels!

well tomorrow is another day! ;)

the sun is out

on the outside. but yet inside its a little darker. im a bit off track, gotta find my path again.

yesterday I was in the gym for 2,5 hours and then in the jacuzzi! really nice, i need more of that, good energy!

today I sent my resume to a really important job. really important. let's hope that theyll call me for an interview at least, then maybe then...I can have my hopes up again. otherwise...ill have to go back to SoCal where I have some jobs lined up already....but this time Ill bring my man along! foh sha

// Life is about trusting your feelings and taking c h a n c e s, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the pain, and realize that people always change.//

i've lost it

it has been a month since I've got back from SoCal.

I was all prepared and everything. then i started to help my man out at his club. Fun yes, bad choice YES!

It doesn't matter how much I love him, working together, living together, eating together.. well yeay you got the rest.. leaves us always together!!!! 24/7! it's not healthy, and I've lost it. I've lost the spirit of creating, always waking up late, not seeing the sun and always behind the bar in a crowded place inhaling smoke 8 hours, that is not why I got my two bachelors and masters. Don't get me wrong though, I love the fact that I can actually help him out, and that people like my drinks and that they are coming back. I LOVE IT! I just don't wanna be there every night.

In fact I'm planning an escape for him too, he can't take it anymore either, i mean he's been there every day since this summer...I know he's lost it too! a weekend somewhere else...sounds...just fantastic!

I need to get a job that will keep my good spirits up so I sent my resume to a couple of places. the one place that I least expected a response from, were actually the ones first responding! ha! I guess I haven't lost it all after all! ;)

the sun is out, and the spring is on it's way.... So am I. I'm on my way of finding us a bigger apartment, even though we love our little crib, we won't be able to fit any longer....

Keep your fingers crossed for me that I'll get this job, will ya?!!!

word

"I rather do nothing and be happy,

then to do something that I don't love."

the beauty of life.

that's where I am now. it's nice. i mean it's california. but, I don't like it. actually that's not true. I do like it. not as much as I like rome though. and maybe also because the one I want to be with, is not here.

anyway, sometimes I surprise myself with my intuition, Im right a lot of times. sometimes I expect people to do things, but refuse to believe that they actually have the courage to do so, to be that stupid I mean. people are egoistic, which is good, but to some extent. if you are just thinking about yourself, but believe that you are not, and hurt others, what do you get out of that? it's just being immature, or jealous? or maybe both. it definitely has to do with insecurity. Im not superwoman, I do make mistakes. I try to admit to them too, even if it's hard sometimes, cause nobody wants to make mistakes right? But the strongest people can admit to their wrong doings, people who don't, well... they are the ones who will suffer, even though they don't admit being wrong, they know they are, deep inside. To me it's actually satisfying in a way, when i know that a person knows that I know that they're doing something wrong, and they won't admit it to me. I can see it in their face, feel their energy and feel how uncomfortable they get around me. but hey, it's okay! i know better, and I don't judge. If you are not mature enough, no worries, but i have no time to waste, so Ill let it pass.

coming here in the end wasn't a waste. I've learned a lot. again. that's the beauty of life, that we never stop to learn!

I've learned to be more careful and think things through, not put all my trust in people, because there are only a few people who are like I am, to always believe that everyone is good.

they're not.

and I've learned to take action, before speaking and telling my ideas. maybe it's me learning not to be that naive! well great! I am happy I came. I did something out of the situation.

and elsk, thank you, you rock my world, you know you do ;)

okidoki

i just re-read the first page of my blog. ok, yes Im in love. can you tell? hm... that's really all that Ive been writing about lately. and i won't say that Im sorry. cause Im not. you just have to bare with me. or not read. that leaves you with two options. take it or leave it!

after all it's my blog and I get to write what I want! isn't that fantastic?!

so now Im going to write about... well Im actually just going to save it for tomorrow. ha!

Now Im way too tired, being a "mommie" for two days isn't something that Im used too. well at least it's good practice... and the children are adorable...when they don't scream or cry. actually even then they are. they are just kids, and that's what kids do.

and even some adults, that are immature, that act like kids. "to act tough you gotta be dumb", as elsk says. i second that.

a state of mind

is really what it is. So Ive been here not even a week but Ive realized so much. My whole last year. It's good that I went back, I had to really.

I came to california for a reason, for love and hopes for a better life. Well it turned out the opposite. The exact opposite. The first three months, I barely remember, they were too painful. Then my vacation back to Italy was paradise. Then back here again to California, and I changed my mind set and actually started to live instead of always be miserable and sit and wait.

However, even though I lived, and had fun, it was still painful. Going back to Italy was something that I had looked forward to since day one that I sat foot on californian soil. sounds really bad to say, and really bad to hear. It's not that Im thankful, it's just that when love is involved it always takes it to another level. I started to live to protect myself from the pain I was feeling, the pain of a broken heart. However, when I got back to Italy after 9 months, it was really weird. I was rejecting it in a way, it was something that also had caused me pain.

Then I found my way back to Italy and I got to know my man again and it was like we had never been apart. I remember after being back for a couple of weeks we sat down and talked, and we didn't talk about the months that had past, it was too painful, we tried, we started but since we had been suffering, we just let it go, then we talked like we never had parted, only that know it was so much better, a deeper understanding, more maturity and more intensity, and then he said... this is what real love feels like. yes, this is what real love feels like!

however, I had made a promise to myself, that I had to go back to the states so that I wouldn't be able to say in the future "if I only had gone back to the states?" you know, things that you say when you regret not having done them, and I didn't want to be able to say so, so off I went.

Im happy I did, cause now I realize my whole past year in cali was all pain, cause I have the same pain now, being away from him, it's aching, and it really hurts, and I told him that I can't do this one more time, that Im coming back home and that Im ready to stay forever. his answer was Im happy you're coming home. Im happy to finally be happy!

and I'm not wasting my time. Ive made great connections and great deals. I just need to go home get my life going and put them into action. This time is for real.

it is important that I stop playing around now, this is life, I got one shot, one opportunity, and I will take it!

determined

to succeed. to make my dear parents proud and my dear...fiancee!
Im in San Diego, trying to focus, it's a bit hard I have to admit when the one who gives me energy and confidence is far away. However, Ive done worse things. I shouldnt complain, shouldn't be a crybaby, or give up. After all, Im not here for that long. Im here to arrange for the future. Our future. Together. I just wish that he was here with me. After he got back into my life, this time is forever, and so deep that it makes me shake. I feel so strong knowing that Im his, that nothing else matters.
Im going to make the best out of this trip, go back home and have the foundation set. Then from there Ill make a success. I just can't be that far away from home anymore. It makes me weak. Life is one, why suffer?! Lets enjoy it and be happy!
One thing Ive realized turning older, being more mature, my family is my all. I don't want to be far away from them anymore. I want them close!

back in cali...

...and asking myself what the F im doing back here? before getting on the flight in rome, i hesitated, then in NYC i hesitated, on the plane from NYC to SD i almost had a panic attack and wanted to get off, during the flight I was thinking, what now? why the f did I get on the plane. I don't belong here. like the song says.

well now Im here and better do the best out of it. tomorrow I will see G and N!!!! then go to LA and OC and then....and then back home to rome!!!

getting my return ticket tomorrow! ahaha that's how long I lasted this time... about an hour!

smart move anna!

L O V E

Yesterday something happened. Something that made me the happiest girl alive!

My man went out to get my computer and telephone that I had left at the bar, and to grab me medicine since I got sick, again. I do believe I'm allergic to cold weather.

Then he sat down and asked me to go and get the computer, which I thought was somewhat odd since he was sitting with it right there. I got up and went to get it though since he had been doing everything for me all day. I opened the bag and there it was. My computer. Attached to the computer however was a ring. Exactly the kind of ring that I wanted. He started to laugh since I made a face of mine totally thrilled, he took the ring from me and put it on my finger. he said, he's not ready to get married yet. I don't care. I just know that it's him. with H. and Im the happiest girl alive.

He treats me like a queen, even though we've known each other for many years. now we are one, so connected that it gets....some what excitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

god, when will I stop being sooooo cheesy?!

now Im in the airport in NYC heading to San Diego again. THis time I'm on a mission. A very short mission. I can't be away from him for longer... never ever again!

spreading my wings...

...to learn how to fly! wow it's getting closer to my departure, and Im getting really really nervous and cold feet. I have this one chance, it's now or never.

I'm trying to figure out all the papers I need to fill out, what a hassle! I just need to do a check list and do it step by step, if not, Im getting too confused and scared!

even though Im on my own two legs, I have my man to lean on, he supports me, encourages me and is just being great! what would I do without him? Just having him looking at me fills me with strength and it makes me feel like I can conquer the world. I might. ;)

ok time to get back to the paper work and all the serious things- called life!

this...

is how my life is now. what I wake up to and go to bed to and live through the day. amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcMmRL6_r24

your thoughts are mine

that's what he said yesterday. I don't want to give him too many of my problems right now. the club is enough. so after a nice night at the movies we got home, and I didn't say anything. the thing is though that we don't, need to say anything that is. we just understand each other. so yesterday of course he knew. and his words were "your thoughts are mine."

how can I not love him? it's like we are one. not two.

i know, im sorry, im being waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too cheesy these days. it will stop.

butterflies at this time of year?

really? are there? o no, sorry they're in my stomach.

or am I dreaming? i seriously dont know how to explain the feeling. so I won't. it's just like this. i mean can we always explain everything? no.

i got my family back. someone that knows me better than myself. that when I say something, but mean something else really, he gets it. right away. when I say something stupid, he tells me, but laughs with me because it is because he gets why. god, im being cheesy. the best part is though, that he is too.

Im so happy, im back in "real" life with my friends and in Roma bella Roma. Sweet is short though. Im leaving in a week. However Im getting cold feet. Should I really leave again. the answer is unfortunately yes. I have a job offer in LA, two maybe, I cannot not go. I mean I love to help my man out, but it's not my club, it's his. I need to do something for me, make money for me. the other night at dinner with my girls, my sweet girls, I got into a discussion with one of them, only because we love each other we can do that ehehe, and she is really angry with me that Im leaving again. She has been living like me for the same amount of time, moving around and traveling around a lot. She told me, "Anna don't do it. Don't leave. you have your man here, he is your family, don't loose it once again. Don't do it to yourself. A job is a job, money comes and goes, but this no. "

i was defending myself or the situation at first, but then getting back home, I started to think about it. Am I being stupid leaving it all behind again? Or will it be different this time around?

I have a good thing going though. and this time it will be different. I'll make sure it will.

i just hope that Im right.

Im tired of moving around, leaving things behind and getting hurt and hurting. it's not me.

to be apart

helps sometimes. it hurts a lot too. but then once you're together again, it's better than ever!

I am so happy and fortunate! I have mon amour that is the sweetest and bestest ever!

Once again we'll have to suffer for a bit, but then it's going to be forever! life is hard, sometimes it's not fair, and sometimes it's fantastic.

life <3

these three last days, I believe have been the best in my life. It feels like it at least. mamma mia. i had forgotten how it could feel, to feel this good. i'm really happy, it feels like Im finally starting to live again, whereas before it felt like I was always waiting for something. now I know what it was. it was this. this is it.

been on the road today. italy is so beautiful, it really feels like being in a movie. and I was speechless, fell in love all over again!

the nature is amazing. A M A Z I N G!

even though Im blue and violet and all soar... it was definitely worth snowboarding, i just love it.

I love Roma

http://fairtilizer.com/track/74248

great tune, performed by friends!

sometimes....

life has already made a plan for you. sometimes it's stronger than you. sometimes it's just meant to be. like now. this is it.

let's try!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lybghW8IQNo

transition period= check!

i had forgotten that every time I move to another country, even if I have lived there before, there is always some kind of confusion due to the transition period. If you haven't lived, but only traveled, you won't understand the feeling, it is really weird. the first days, well weeks even, you don't really know where you are, who to call, cause you have friends in both places and you might be more used to the ones in the place you just left behind. I had it even worse this time. I did, in two weeks, LA, OC, SD, NYC, Rome, Gothenburg, and now back in Rome. No wonder I was confused. but BIG time.

at first I was very depressed, didn't talk to anybody really. now Im back to my old life. however, modified a little bit. I am modified, determined to not go under in this beautiful boot shaped country of Italy. It is a mystery why I love this country so much. the food, yes! the wine, yes! the traffic, no! the people, well not really most are really rude actually! (except my dear friends of course), and nothing really works.

I have a plan. I can't let go of Italy, it's a too big of a part of me, plus on Saturday Im turning a year older. Jeez time flies! And since Im a woman I need to think about the future a bit more than a man my age. or no? so I have decided to have my base in Europe, after all my family is here, and this time I really really enjoyed being in Sweden, maybe because I've reached a certain age?

Im not letting go of California though, no Im gonna find a way of having both. Actually the way already found me! I've applied for the OPT and got it, because I've been studying. Im not gonna let that pass me by.

to be continued....

2010!

I am determined to make 2010 a fantastic year! I am, and I will.

after all, it's my life, in my hands, my decisions and my feelings. nobody elses.

only that .... it hasn't started that great. what that means though is that it can only get better, or no? confusion confusion and soon Ill turn a year older. again. this is life my dear friends. and yes... im a bit depressed.